So one night I was in that there forest with a flashlight that had an unreliable battery. I had no fucking clue how I got there, but it was night, I was lonely and scared. So, instead of leaving, I decided to look around.
Three or four minutes later, I found eight pieces of paper with crappy, kindergarten-level drawings of some tall stickfigure.
Suddenly, I saw and heard static, as if my eyes were like fucking televisions or something. Did that mean I'm some fucking teletubby? I hope not... So I turned around for some reason and saw that there Slender Man, and I was like, "FUCK OFF, SLENDER MAN! I HAVE THE AUTHORITY TO JAM ONE OF THESE INDIAN BIRDS IN YOU BRAIN!"
Slender Man looked all fucking scared. "You can't do that!"
"Yes I can...I'm slendererer than you..."
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"You're only twelve years old..."
"What?"
"You're only twelve years old..." Then the next fucking thing I knew, Slender Man was unleashing some fucking serious Japanese porn on me.
Then, I woke up in the fucking forest and it was day time. Fuck. I hate the sun. So, I stood up and looked at one of those papers to see if it could make sense of what happened.
It read, ''DON'T LOOK, OR IT TENTACLE-RAPES YOU''.
"Well, that makes sense..." I said to myself.
Slender Man started hugging me from behind.
"FUCK OFF, SLENDER MAN!"
He ran away.
Then, I walked up to an owl sitting on a tree branch and asked him, "Yo, owl. How many licks does it take to get to the center of this lollipop." I gave him the lollipop.
"Let's see. One, two," he said, licking it. Then he bit the shit out of it. "Three..."
"Owl, have you ever seen the first episode of the third season of The Walking Dead?"
"Yes, why?"
"Daryl, get over here!"
Then Daryl from The Walking Dead came up and shot the owl dead.
"Thanks," I said, giving him twenty dollars.
Slender Man started walking over. "Gimme twenty dollars. Gimme twenty dollars. No wifin' in the club," he sang.
"FUCK OFF, SLENDER MAN!"
Slender Man ran away again.
Later, I found my way home. I ate some rice cakes, took a shower and went to bed.
Then a hyper-realistic skeleton popped out.